JOKES & STUFF

JOKES & STUFF

LIFE AFTER DEATH :

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.

"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.

"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

SE!! "

SUPPORT A FAMILY :

THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"

THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

FIRST TIME USHERS ! :

A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.

WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS :

THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS :

"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."

THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.

"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING:

MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.

THE WATER PISTOL:

WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.

I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"

MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED.... "I REMEMBER!!"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

GRANDMA'S AGE:

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.

GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."

JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

IT FIGURES

A divorcee in her early forties was sitting at a bar one night when she noticed a young, attractive black man just a few stools away. She'd never seen for herself if the stories about black men were true, so she took the opportunity to buy the young stud a drink.

One drink led to another, and those led to the couple going back to the divorcee's apartment. Once there, the woman stripped naked, climbed into her bed, struck a sexy, come-hither look, and whispered, "OK, you gorgeous piece

of chocolate. Show me what young black boys do best."

So he beat her up and stole her stereo !!!!

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man,

"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and beside s, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

LAUNDRY

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the

local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the

next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results,

so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON

PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean

laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY SOAP

ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned,"

Then he returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does."

BOUDREAUX

Due to the power outage from Hurricane Katrina, only one paramedic,

responded to the 911 call at the BOUDREAUX residence in PaTaSa, Louisiana.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Little Boo, a

3-year-old boy, to hold a flashlight high over his mommy, Maree, so he

could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Little Boo did as he was asked. Maree pushed and

pushed, and after a little while, Pierre was born. The paramedic lifted

him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Pierre began to

cry!

The paramedic then thanked Little Boo for his help and asked the

wide-eyed 3-year old what he thought about what he had just witnessed.

Little Boo, still stunned, quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled

in dere in duh first place......... smack his ass again!"

SOUTHERN GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't

prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first

witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached

her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?".

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.

I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a

big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate

people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a

big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to

anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed

across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?".

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he

was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice

is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated

on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes,I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and,

in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her

if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Blind man and blondes

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear

a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the

woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only

fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No. . not

if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Pheonix Pigeon

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix.

The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was

full of pigeon droppings .

The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I

can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city.

But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.

Or, you can pay me $5 million and ask one question."

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat,

and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up

into the bright blue Arizona sky.

All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind

the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew

southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop

City Hall building. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and

the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix

of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor

presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that,

indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no

fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the $5

million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET A BLONDE GENIE?

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp

partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blond genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blond genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion

surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and

the floor is covered in $1,000 bills!Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb

and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blond genies.

One blond genie says to the other one, " I can understand the first

wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he

wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me".

DRUNKEN OBSERVATIONS

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,

a carton of eggs,

a quart of orange juice,

a head of romaine lettuce,

a 2 lb. can of coffee and

a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

drunk standing behind her... With his two six packs of beer... watched

as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this

proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since

she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw

nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped

off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,"Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct............ But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly as shit"!

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house" and he said no.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello I just called you few seconds ago Because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all". Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence! . Of course, the police caught the

burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale JR.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...

#1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways!

AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican". The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work!

4 Women

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a

different place: Idaho, Nebraska, Louisiana, and Mexico.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling

potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the hell are you doing ?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these dang things in Idaho, I am just sick of

looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn

from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for ?" asked the gal from Louisiana.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of

looking at them!"

Inspired, the gal from Louisiana opened the car door and pushed the

Mexican out.

WORDS OF WISDOM

Two guys from Kenner are quietly sittin' in a boat in

Lake Ponchartrain fishing and suckin' down beer when suddenly

Boudreaux says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't

spoken to me in over 2 months."

Thibodeaux sips his beer and says,

"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

THE DRUNK

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the

bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream

is heard from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream

reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate

why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the

screaming about in there? You're scaring the

customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time

I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the

hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in

and says...

"You idiot!

You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Grandma Doesn't Know Everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! ... and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!

Golf Story

Bob approached the clerk behind the counter in the pro shop and said,

"I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The clerk behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

Bob anxiously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your #3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, Bob pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

Delighed, turned to the robot and thank ed him for his assistance. As Bob pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, Bob decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the clerk behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"

Bob excitedly stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, Bob returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to Bob and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

Confused, Bob cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who the hell could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"

The clerk sighed and said, "Well, Bob it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

Bob said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The clerk nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."

The Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day

there he takes off

his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blond

walks by,and the

man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did

you call for me?"

The man replies "No; what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule

here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies

down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have

his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters

the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy

man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?"

says the hairy man.

"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you

fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins

him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is

greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.

"May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key

back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "You've only been here for a few hours.

You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an

erection once a month and I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"

THE IRS and RALPH

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no

full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money

gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a

demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay.

Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way!

It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand

dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with

Ralph's attorney as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks.

"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your

desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop

anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains

mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so

he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss

into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his

hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd

been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could

come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be

happy about it."

Mississippi Boy

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,

pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In

Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass

twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his

glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to

pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we

don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Mississippi boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks

it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the

Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.

He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that

we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

Don't Fart in Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting

loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and

make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it

was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was

perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that

one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner

and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put

the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a

malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and,

gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband

of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which

was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps

as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing,

tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained

underpan ts with a look of horror on his face. She bit her Lip as she asked

him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I

didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out,

and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most

of them back in."

DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS

Three women die together in an accident

and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:

don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their

best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a

duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes

St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all

eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.

Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you

for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

THE NIGHT AFTER KATRINA

When down on Canal St. the looters dey came

The po-lice had seen dem and called dem by name

STOP! Melvin, Shaneekwa, Chantel and Joe Brown

Laroy and Rickita, put dem shoes down.

Da baskets dey loaded as fast as dey could

While big screens was rollin on back to da hood

Shoes, electronics, fur coats and rings

All de essential survival things.

From de east and de west da levees separated

An da peoples had wished dey had evacuated

Da water poured in like Dixie beer foam

And da hood emptied in to da Superdome.

Dey crapped an dey pillaged an da Dome went to hell

It'll take 10 years to get rid of da smell.

But it's not like cleaning da Dome affects us

Since dem Saints is gone to San Antonio, Texas.

Soon after Aaron Broussard clearly started to drink

An Kathleen Blanco needed her time to think

Da forces finally came to help out da cops

Wit dere M-16's up on da roof tops.

Dey were poppin da ganstas like da hooka's pop gum

An tossin dem into da river like chum

St. Gabriel was not dere eternal slumber

An dey never made da body count number.

No longer to walk among civilization

Dey now a part of coastal restoration

So when ya open up oysters, instead of pearls

You'll find little gold teeth and Geri curls.

An da ones dat was bussed to other states

An places where da Red Cross facilitates

Are waiting around for dere FEMA checks

An demandin everything else dey expects.

You can call em mooches.

You can call em no good

But dey ain't comin back to your neighborhood

To all you evacuees and your plight

Hope you like TEXAS...

An to all a good night.

MANY MORE COMMING SOON..!!!!!!

rrpage33

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